Gone
by badly-knitted
Summary: It had been just like any other day on the job, chasing a suspect in a murder investigation, but this wasn't they way it should've gone down. Written for Prompt 92: Gone at anythingdrabble. Set after the manga. I'm so sorry for doing this... I'm still writing this one, so don't expect regular updates. It's gonna be tough to write.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Gone – Chapter 1

**Author:** badly-knitted

**Characters:** Ryo, Dee, OC.

**Rating:** PG-13

**Setting:** After the manga.

**Summary:** It had been just like any other day on the job, chasing a suspect in a murder investigation, but this wasn't they way it should've gone down.

**Word Count:** 500

**Written For:** Prompt 92: Gone at anythingdrabble.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FAKE, or the characters. They belong to the wonderful Sanami Matoh.

**A/N: **For Quineon. This the first chapter of a fic I'm still writing… Chapter 2 will be along pretty soon, but don't expect regular updates. This one's gonna be tough to write.

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It was so sudden, so utterly unexpected…

Ryo had always understood and accepted the dangers of being a cop, known that at any moment he could be seriously injured or even killed, and yet he'd still never seen this coming.

Dee, so much more to him than merely his partner and best friend, was gone. All it had taken was a single bullet, fired by the suspect they were attempting to apprehend, and now…

He knelt in the filthy alley, his hands drenched in his partner's blood. In the distance he could hear sirens as the ambulance approached. How long ago had he radioed for one? It hardly mattered now; it was already way too late to do any good. Dee's bright green eyes, usually so full of love and laughter and desire, were dull now, the life gone from them as though it had never been there in the first place. Everything that had been Dee was gone, leaving behind just this still, lifeless form. It didn't look real, the skin too pale and waxy, more like a store mannequin dressed in Dee's clothes. If it weren't for the blood…

'It's my fault,' Ryo realized. 'I should have been here, should have protected him.' That was why cops worked in pairs, to watch each other's backs, to keep each other safe. If he'd just been a little quicker when he'd heard the gunfire, or if he hadn't been so far away, maybe… Splitting up had been stupid; they both should have gone inside the building instead of Ryo going inside and Dee heading around back to cut off the suspect's escape route. They should have called for backup first, but they hadn't. They'd been so sure they could get the guy by themselves, the way they'd done at least a dozen times before in similar situations.

But they'd been wrong, and Dee had paid the ultimate price for their overconfidence. 'It could just as easily be me lying there.' The thought briefly crossed Ryo's mind, but he dismissed it as meaningless, because it wasn't him; he was still here, alive, but Dee was… gone.

Ryo was barely aware of the ambulance pulling up, scarcely felt the hands pulling at him, moving him out of the way so that the paramedics could get to Dee. His eyes were locked on his lover's face, frozen in an expression of surprise, like he hadn't seen this coming either. Dimly he hoped it had been quick, that it hadn't hurt too much. Dee…

One of the paramedics was speaking, and Ryo forced himself to pay attention to the man's words. "I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do; he's gone."

"I know." Ryo barely recognised his own voice, so dull and quiet, lifeless. His throat hurt. Had he been screaming? He couldn't remember. He just felt so numb and dead inside, as if everything he'd been had died right along with the man he loved. 'God, Dee, I'm so sorry. It should've been me.'

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TBC in Chapter 2


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Gone – Chapter 2

**Author:** badly-knitted

**Characters:** Ryo, Dee, OCs.

**Rating:** PG-13

**Setting:** After the manga.

**Summary:** Ryo tries to make sense of what's happened but it just hurts too much.

**Word Count:** 727

**Written For:** Challenge 15: The Police Song Titles at ficlet_zone, using 'Driven to Tears'.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FAKE, or the characters. They belong to the wonderful Sanami Matoh.

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'It should've been me…'

It was as if the words were playing on a loop inside Ryo's head, round and round, over and over, relentlessly, like Bikky's hamster on its wheel, getting him nowhere until…

Just for a moment, he thought he heard Dee's voice. "Don't be an idiot, babe; if one of us had to go, better it should be me. You've got the kid to take care of. He's already lost one set of parents; wouldn't do for him to lose you as well. Then what would happen to him?"

Even though he knew Dee wasn't there, couldn't be speaking to him, the voice inside his head broke him out of his self-recrimination enough to admit the truth behind the words. As much as he might want to just give up, lie down beside his lover and never get up again, he still had responsibilities, people who were depending on him. With that realisation, his train of thought shifted onto a new and equally painful track… What was he going to tell Bikky? He and Dee had never gotten along, they were too much alike and both always vying for Ryo's attention, but the boy had still looked up to Dee, even respected him in his own way.

It wasn't just Bikky either. What was he going to tell Mother? Dee was her son, more than any other child she'd raised, and he was always helping her out in any way he could. And what about all Dee's friends back at the precinct? What would he tell them? They knew the dangers of the job as well as Ryo did, so maybe they wouldn't be too hard on him for letting Dee down, maybe they'd even find it in their hearts to forgive him eventually, but would JJ? He loved Dee too, even if his feelings weren't returned.

No, Ryo decided, JJ wouldn't forgive him. 'He's going to hate me, but that's okay. I deserve it. I wasn't there when Dee needed me and now he's…' He couldn't bring himself to even think the word; if he did he might shatter completely, it was more than he could bear. How could he feel so numb and yet ache so badly inside, like his heart was being ripped to shreds? His face felt wet and he wondered when it had started raining.

His heart like a leaden weight inside his chest, his mind still whirling out of control, Ryo stared blankly ahead; gradually what he was seeing began to register. The paramedics were loading Dee into a body bag and Ryo wanted to tell them not to, that it was too much, too final, but he couldn't seem to speak. Slowly he blinked his eyes and a warm droplet hit his hand, making patterns in the blood smeared there. Oh. Not rain but tears; he was crying silently. Dee always hated it when he cried, mostly because he always thought he must somehow be to blame, but he never was. It wasn't Dee's fault this time either; Ryo was just hurting too much right now to keep all the pain inside. He blamed himself, and the bastard they'd been chasing, but not Dee, never Dee.

Hands were pulling at him again, dragging him to his feet, but he made no attempt to resist. Distantly he could hear someone saying something about shock but he wasn't sure who it was or who they were talking about. It didn't matter anyway; nothing mattered anymore so he just went where he was led, sat in the back of the ambulance, staring at the body bag. Part of him wanted to tear it open so Dee could breathe, so he could see his lover's face, but the rest of him screamed NO, because that wasn't Dee in there, not anymore; it was just an empty shell. He'd never see Dee again, never see his smile, hear him laugh, feel his touch, taste his kiss… Another fissure cracked open in Ryo's already shattered heart and the tears just kept on falling onto his bloodstained hands, trying in vain to wash them clean. Dee's blood was on his hands, and no amount of tears or soap and water would ever change that, or bring Dee back.

The most important person in Ryo's life was gone and nothing would ever be the same.

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TBC in Chapter 3


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Gone – Chapter 3

**Author:** badly-knitted

**Characters:** Ryo, Dee, OCs, Chief Smith, JJ, Drake, Marty, Janet.

**Rating:** PG-13

**Setting:** After the manga.

**Summary:** The news of Dee's death has already reached Ryo's fellow detectives.

**Word Count:** 1241

**Written For:** Challenge 16: Reverse Fandom House M.D. at ficlet_zone, using 'Words And Deeds'.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FAKE, or the characters. They belong to the wonderful Sanami Matoh.

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Ryo didn't remember arriving at the hospital. There'd been no transition as far as he was aware; he'd simply been in the ambulance and then he was just… here, sitting on the side of a gurney in one of the curtained off treatment areas, a doctor asking him if he remembered what had happened.

He did, but he shook his head, not wanting to accept it. "Dee. My partner. He was shot…"

"Yes," the doctor agreed.

"Is he…?" Ryo wasn't sure what he was asking.

The Doctor shook his head gravely. "I'm afraid there was nothing the paramedics could do; Detective Laytner was already gone by the time they got there. I'm sorry for your loss." The words sounded perfunctory to Ryo. How could this person be sorry? He'd never known Dee, had no idea how much Ryo loved his partner, or how devastating it was for him to lose the cornerstone of his life. Ryo wanted to be angry, but he was too tired, too defeated.

"Thank you." It was the polite thing to say, and Ryo always tried to be polite, that was something Dee often teased him about, but his voice was flat, emotionless.

"How are you feeling?"

Ryo wondered if the doctor was a psychiatrist of some sort, evaluating his mental condition in the aftermath of… what? Emotional trauma? Something along those lines. Maybe he should lie, say he was fine, but he didn't.

"It was my fault."

"No it wasn't."

Ryo's head jerked up. How was the Chief here? Then he remembered; he wasn't in the hospital anymore, he was back at the precinct, in the Chief's office. He'd been discharged after being treated for shock, and been given a lift back by… someone. He couldn't remember who, probably never got their name. He thought maybe he'd been in a patrol car, but he wasn't sure. The memories were oddly hazy, unreal. Had the doctor given him a sedative? Was that the usual treatment for shock? Maybe. Or maybe the paramedics had; that would explain why he kept zoning out. Chief Smith was still speaking and Ryo dragged his attention back to his boss.

"It's the job, Randy; sometimes it takes good men and women from our ranks, and there's not a damn thing any of us can do to prevent it, no matter how hard we try." Chief Smith sounded like he was speaking from prior experience. How many good men and women under his command had he lost? Dee was merely the latest casualty of the war against crime in this corner of the city. Instead of making Ryo feel better, it just made him feel worse.

"If I'd been there, if we hadn't split up, maybe Dee would still be… here."

"Or maybe you'd both be dead."

Ryo flinched at the Chief's use of the word he'd been trying to avoid; it felt like a knife to his heart.

"Listen, Randy, I know you and Laytner were… close." The way his boss said it, Ryo was sure he must have known or at least suspected he and Dee were more to each other than simply partners and close friends. "You've told me what happened, and I have corroborating witness statements, so there doesn't need to be an investigation. Why don't go home, take some personal time? I'll have someone drive you."

"I have to write my report and… and someone needs to tell Mother Lane."

"That's already been taken care off; I sent O'Neill. As for your report, there's no rush, you can write it up when you feel ready; I know all I need to know for now. Go home, Randy; get some rest."

"Yes, Sir." Ryo got to his feet, shoulders bowed, heart aching, throat tight and eyes burning, but he wasn't going to cry, not in front of the Chief. There'd be time enough for that later.

The others were waiting outside Chief Smith's office. Drake, Marty, Janet from the desk, and JJ; only Ted was absent, not back from Mother Lane's orphanage yet. Ryo had half hoped he could avoid his colleagues; that he wouldn't have to face them until he was more composed. To his surprise it was JJ who made the first move, his usually cheerful face oddly solemn, tears spilling from blue eyes. As soon as the office door closed he lunged forward, wrapping his arms around Ryo in a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry, Ryo. I loved him too, but it's going to be okay; we're all here for you, if there's anything you need, anything at all."

Drake and Marty were nodding, reaching to squeeze Ryo's shoulders, Drake awkwardly patting JJ's back, trying to comfort both his friends at the same time. Janet had one arm around JJ and the other around Ryo. In any other circumstances it might have been funny, a bit like an upright version of twister, everyone trying to comfort everyone else, but there was nothing remotely amusing about shared grief.

Tears stung Ryo's eyes. "I should have been there, I should have protected him…" It was the same thought that had been whirling around in his head since the moment he'd burst out the back door of the building to find Dee crumpled on the ground in a rapidly spreading pool of blood. He didn't realise he'd spoken out loud until his words were met with a flurry of denials.

"You didn't do anything wrong," Janet told him.

"You couldn't have known what would happen," Drake insisted.

"Dee knew what he was doing; hell, we've all done the same," Marty said firmly. "Sometimes you gotta split up in these situations."

"I know you tried to save him," JJ said, voice muffled against Ryo's shoulder. "Dee was always too impulsive though, throwing himself into danger. So determined to catch the bad guys, too fearless for his own good."

Ryo was stunned; how could they be so generous and caring? They'd all been friends with Dee long before Ryo had met him. He didn't deserve their kindness, their understanding, their sympathy.

Drake tugged gently at Ryo's arm. "Come on, I'll drive you home."

"We both will," JJ agreed, disentangling himself from Ryo and wiping his eyes with the back of his shirtsleeve. "Do you want someone to pick Bikky up from school?"

"No." Ryo shook his head; that was one thing he was sure of. He needed time to compose himself before breaking the news to the boy, and anyway, he didn't want to pull Bikky out of school just to mope around the apartment with him. Better his foster son should finish out the school day; there'd be time enough to ruin his day later.

"If you need anything, give me a call," Janet said, shoving a piece of paper into Ryo's hand.

"Thanks." He stuffed the scrap into his pocket without looking at it, knowing he wouldn't call her. Did she know about him and Dee? His fellow detectives did but they'd kept quiet about it. Not that it mattered anymore who knew about their relationship. He let JJ and Drake lead him towards the stairs, wishing in vain that he could turn back time and start the whole day over, erase the last few hours from existence and do things differently. It didn't matter how many times people told him it wasn't his fault, he knew they'd never convince him or lessen the guilt he felt.

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TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** Gone – Chapter 4

**Author:** badly-knitted

**Characters:** Ryo, Dee, JJ, Drake, Bikky.

**Rating:** PG-13

**Setting:** After the manga.

**Summary:** Ryo faces having to tell Bikky about Dee's death.

**Word Count:** 1241

**Written For:** Challenge 10: Reverse Fandom Twilight Zone. at ficlet_zone, using 'The After Hours'.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FAKE, or the characters. They belong to the wonderful Sanami Matoh.

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**Guest:** You're right, as much as I love writing these boys I hate writing this story, it's so painful putting the characters through this. All I can say is that despite all the angst and tragedy, I hope you'll read to the end (which I haven't written yet), because it will get better...

I'm very happy to sustain you with FAKE fics, but I wish more people were writing so I could have something new to read that isn't my own work. Glad you're enjoying the other stories. I'll try not to break your heart (or mine) too much with this one.

Thank you!

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The drive back to his apartment was nothing but a blur; Ryo had no recollection of getting into the car, and although he knew he'd stared out the window all the way home, he'd done so without registering anything he saw. All he kept seeing in his mind was Dee, lying there on the damp, dirty ground, so cold and still… He found himself wishing he could scrub that image from his mind, then immediately felt guilty at wanting to erase his last sight of the man he loved.

He'd trudged blindly up the three flights to his apartment, Drake and JJ trailing silently, sorrowfully, behind him, then left them to their own devices while he took a shower. He'd needed to scrub away the last traces of Dee's blood, and the hot spray had washed them away along with his tears…

When he'd emerged, still feeling cold and hollow inside despite the warmth of the water, he'd found JJ had made tea and the three of them had sat together in an awkward silence, not knowing what to say to each other, until Ryo had finally insisted that they didn't need to stay, that he'd be fine on his own.

Grieving himself, JJ had been reluctant to leave, telling Ryo he shouldn't be alone, but Ryo had managed a wintry smile. "Bikky will be home soon and I'd rather break the news to him in private."

"Well, if you think that's best…" JJ had still hesitated. "You know we're here for you though, right? Any time you need us, for anything at all."

"I know. Thank you, JJ. Drake. I really appreciate… everything."

JJ had hugged him again before leaving, clinging desperately for a moment, whispering so only Ryo could hear, "Dee wouldn't want you to blame yourself, he'd tell you it wasn't your fault. He loved you. Remember that." Then he'd pulled away and headed out the door without looking back. Drake had smiled sadly, patted Ryo on the shoulder, and followed his partner.

Closing the door behind them had been a relief, but now they were gone Ryo didn't know what to do with himself. The apartment that had always felt cosy and safe suddenly felt too big, too quiet, too empty. Dee should have been there with him, filling the place with his presence, comforting Ryo over his loss, only Dee was the one he'd lost and would never be able to comfort him again.

The time seemed to drag, minutes passing like hours as Ryo alternately paced restlessly and sat stiffly on the sofa, waiting, and then, as if Ryo had blinked for a moment and somehow missed his foster son's return, Bikky was there, the boy's face streaked with tears as Ryo told him what had happened.

'But did I tell him, or did someone else? Did he already know when he came in?'

Ryo wondered vaguely if he was cracking up; ever since that moment in the alley, events seemed to keep escaping him, everything was fragmented, like he had short-term memory loss, but he didn't remember hitting his head either. Of course, if he had collapsed and knocked himself out he probably wouldn't remember it, and he did have a headache so maybe that was why he kept forgetting things. The only clear image he could call to mind from the past few hours was the one of Dee in the alley, and his mind kept shying away from that.

Bikky huddled beside him on the sofa, looking so small, just like the day they'd met, the day Ryo had started work at the 27th Precinct and met the man who'd come to mean everything to him. Ryo forced his attention back to the boy, trying to comfort him even though he so badly needed comforting himself. Maybe he shouldn't have sent JJ and Drake away after all.

"I wish I hadn't been so mean to him all the time," Bikky whispered, sounding lost. "He must have thought I hated him, and I didn't, not really."

"He knew that," Ryo reassured the boy in a choked voice. "He didn't hate you either, he cared about you a lot, even if he wasn't good at showing it. You two were just too much alike. Sometimes I think Dee understood you better than I ever will."

"I'll miss him, it won't be the same around here."

"No, it won't." Nothing would ever be the same now. It would be too quiet without his son and his lover trading insults, pushing each other's buttons, and getting into fights. Ryo had grown used to having to separate them; he'd always wished they would get along better so he could have a bit of peace and quiet in his own home, but right at that moment he would have given anything to hear them squabbling.

"D'you think it was quick?"

"I think so, yes. He wouldn't have suffered." Ryo was barely able to get the words out as fresh tears spilled from his eyes and dripped to dampen Bikky's hair.

"That's good I guess. And the guy who ki… who shot him?"

"He got away. I wasn't fast enough, Bikky. I should've been there…" No matter how hard Ryo tried, he always came back to that; Dee had needed him and he'd been too late to help. "There's an APB out on him though."

Every cop in the city would be looking for him now; he wasn't just a murder, suspect now, he was a cop killer. It was wrong and he knew it, but Ryo hoped whoever caught up to the man responsible for taking Dee's life would return the favor and gun him down.

'If I see him, I won't hesitate, not like I did with Leo Grant. I'll shoot out his kneecaps first so he can't escape, then put a couple of bullets in his gut…' Ryo brought that train of thought to a grinding halt, feeling vaguely ill. Stopping a killer was one thing; taking vindictive delight in making him suffer in agony was another matter entirely. It was wrong of him to think like that, and he felt disgusted with himself; even considering that kind of retribution tarnished Dee's memory.

"I hope he's caught soon." Bikky's voice was muffled against Ryo's chest. "I hope someone kills him."

"Don't talk like that, Biks. Killing him won't bring Dee back, and it won't make those of us who love him feel any better. Besides, he's a murder suspect; he needs to stand trial for all his crimes. There's another family out there who deserve justice for the death of their loved one."

"I suppose." Bikky sat up a little to look at his foster father, his face blotchy and his big blue eyes rimmed with red. "What do we do now?"

Ryo sighed tiredly and used his shirtsleeve in lieu of a handkerchief to scrub at the tears drying on his own face. There were other people to be told, Carol and her aunt, Ryo's aunt and uncle, Dee's landlord and some friends who weren't on the force, Terry McGinty at the bar, although he'd probably already heard the news from some of his regulars. Then there was the funeral to arrange, but he couldn't think about that, not right now. It was too much for him to deal with. Everything was too much.

Sighing, he hugged the boy tighter. "I wish I knew, Biks."

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TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Title:** Gone – Chapter 5

**Author:** badly-knitted

**Characters:** Ryo, Mother, Terry McGinty, Dee, JJ, Drake.

**Rating:** PG-13

**Setting:** After the manga.

**Summary:** There are so many arrangements to make, and Ryo can't deal with them all by himself, but he doesn't have to.

**Word Count:** 2008

**Written For:** Challenge 16: Reverse Fandom House M.D. at ficlet_zone, using 'Need To Know', 'Remorse', 'Dead & Buried'.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FAKE, or the characters. They belong to the wonderful Sanami Matoh.

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The next few days went by in a blur for Ryo. He called his aunt and uncle in San Francisco that first evening after picking at a dinner he couldn't eat, and amid tears and heartfelt condolences they promised to fly up to New York as soon as the date was set for Dee's funeral.

The following day he visited McGinty's bar to talk with Terry McGinty, who, as Ryo had expected, already knew what had happened. Bad news travelled fast, especially amongst cops, but still it was a relief to be spared going over the events of the previous day yet again. Had it really only been twenty-four hours? It felt more like a lifetime. Then again, he'd barely slept the night before, fretting over everything that needed to be done, his mind too full of images and memories, and his heart too full of grief for him to concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes at a time.

Good friend that he was, Terry immediately offered the use of his bar for Dee's wake; because Dee had been raised a Catholic, holding a wake just seemed like the right thing to do, and McGinty's was the ideal venue. Dee had always loved hanging out there with his fellow cops; it was the 27th precinct's home from home and it meant those cops who couldn't make the funeral on account of being on duty would still be able to stop by and pay their respects to their fallen brother. Ryo was sure that was something Dee would have approved of.

Ryo went by the orphanage too, needing more than anything to talk with Mother. It was obvious the elderly nun was grieving in her own quiet way, and yet she set aside her own sorrow at the loss of the man she'd considered her son in order to comfort Ryo, holding him tight and telling him he must stop blaming himself. How she knew about that Ryo could only guess, but then Mother had always been good at reading people; he shouldn't have been surprised that she could see the guilt he felt written all over him.

"I can't. I wasn't there when he needed me. I should've been with him."

"No, you were doing your job, just as Dee was," Mother said firmly. "I've always feared I'd someday lose him because of his choice of career, but it wouldn't have been right to hold him back from what he wanted to do. We all must be free to make our own choices in life, and he made me so proud. He was a good boy; a great many people will miss him, but I think none more than you and I."

"It hurts, Mother. It hurts so much sometimes I can barely breathe. There were so many things I wish I'd told him when I had the chance. I feel so empty without him, like the most important part of me has been ripped away, leaving behind a gaping wound that will never heal."

"I know, my boy, it's going to hurt for some time, but you haven't lost him forever; Dee has only gone on ahead. You and I will join him when it's our time to go, and in the meantime, he'll be watching over us. In time you'll find a way to move forward with your life, you know Dee would want that, but he'll never be gone from our hearts. He lives on in those whose lives and hearts he has touched."

"There'll never be anyone else for me," Ryo vowed. "Dee worked so hard to win my heart; now it's his forever and…" Tears started to fall. "I just miss him so much."

"It will get easier, I promise, and I will be here for you whenever you need me. You'll always be welcome here."

"Thank you." Ryo wiped his face with the back of his sleeve and managed a weak smile. "You're the only family he has, Mother. Would you… would you help with the funeral arrangements? I hardly know where to start. My aunt and uncle took care of everything when my parents were killed. I made the arrangements for Bikky's dad, but that was different, he wasn't a religious man. Dee… he might not have gone to church very often in recent years, but he was raised Catholic and his faith was still very important to him. I want to do this right. For his sake."

"Of course I'll help," Mother said simply. "You don't even have to ask. He was my boy."

In the end, Mother made most of the arrangements. Ryo helped choose the music for the service, decided what would be written on Dee's headstone, chose the clothes his lover would be buried in… Black slacks, the emerald green silk shirt Ryo had bought him one birthday, black ankle boots, and the beat-up old leather jacket that had been Dee's favourite. Around his neck went the St. Christopher medallion that Mother had given him when he'd entered the police academy. He almost looked as though he was only sleeping, lying there on cream satin, so peaceful and still, but when Ryo leaned over to touch his face he was so cold, an empty shell. Gone forever. The thought was like a knife, ripping through Ryo. If fate had been kinder, he would have been taken too, so he didn't have to live on without the love of his life.

The service was beautiful; Mother delivered the eulogy herself because Ryo knew he wouldn't be able to speak without breaking down. She spoke of Dee's courage, his stubbornness, the scrapes he got into as a child, and her pride in the man he'd become. She said his death was a tragedy, but that he'd died as he would have wanted, trying to make the city safer for everyone. She even spoke of Dee's pride in being who he was, a man who loved who he loved regardless of their gender, and was not ashamed to have found true love with another man. Bikky and Carol, sitting one each side of Ryo, squeezed his hands, offering what comfort they could as Ryo bowed his head and let the tears fall. He hadn't cried so much since he'd lost his parents.

Nevertheless, despite all of Mother's careful arrangements the funeral itself felt utterly wrong. It was solemn and stately, not like Dee at all. A cop's funeral, which was fitting because that was what he had been, but still the kind of affair that would have had Dee grumbling. All the cops present, including Ryo, standing to attention in their dress uniforms… It reminded Ryo of the other funerals he and Dee had attended for fellow cops killed in the line of duty, all those times when Dee had tried to be respectful but had still stood there fidgeting and muttering about his collar being too tight, and his cap making his head itch, and why did they have to wear gloves in summer? As proud as Dee had been of being a cop, he'd always loathed wearing dress uniform with a vengeance, which was why Ryo had been so determined to lay his lover to rest in civilian clothes.

Somehow, Ryo managed to get through the interment without falling apart, but afterwards he stayed behind as the others left, heading over to McGinty's. He needed some time alone with Dee to say his final goodbyes.

Sinking onto the damp grass beside the fresh grave, heedless of what it would do to his dress blues, Ryo removed his gloves and touched the temporary marker that would remain in place until the proper headstone was ready.

"I miss you, Dee; I don't know how to do any of this without you. I keep expecting to turn around and find you beside me. Every time I wake up in the night I reach for you and you're not there. My bed feels so cold and empty, just like my heart." He wiped away tears with the back of his hand, the lump in his throat threatening to strangle him. For several long minutes, he couldn't speak, but finally he gave a shuddering sigh and continued.

"You were my anchor, my armour against everything we had to deal with on the job. You made me stronger than I ever could have been on my own, and no matter what happened, you were always there for me. I should have been there more for you; I took so much from you and gave so little back. All those months before I finally accepted the truth about myself, and that I loved you, more than anything… I still do, and that's never going to change, but… I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't have your strength. You used to say I was a better cop than you'd ever be, but you were wrong; I'm just better at the paperwork side of things. Getting out there on the street and taking down the bad guys… That was all you; I just followed your lead. Now I feel like a fraud. As soon as your killer's been caught and brought to justice, I'm going to resign. I don't belong on the force, not anymore, and I can't bear the thought of being assigned a new partner. It would feel like I was betraying your memory. I just wanted you to know; I hope you understand."

Falling silent, Ryo remained sitting there for well over an hour, until finally a hand touched his shoulder and he looked up into JJ's red-rimmed blue eyes.

"You didn't show up at McGinty's and we got worried so we came to find you. It's not good for you to be sitting out here all alone; it'll be dark soon and you're getting wet."

The sky overhead was a dreary grey, fitting Ryo's mood, and a light drizzle he hadn't previously noticed was falling. "Oh."

"Come on." Drake moved forward to stand alongside JJ. "We'll give you a ride over to the bar; that's where we should all be."

Ryo was torn; part of him wanted to be among his friends so he wouldn't have to feel so alone, but the rest of him felt bad for even thinking of leaving Dee.

"It doesn't seem right to leave him alone."

"He's not alone, Ryo." JJ crouched down, squeezing Ryo's shoulder. "He's not here at all, not anymore."

"JJ's right. If Dee's anywhere on earth right now, he's at McGinty's, waiting on us. You know how much he loves that bar."

Ryo managed a wan smile. "You're right, he wouldn't stay out here in the rain when he could be inside listening to people saying nice things about him." Running his bare fingers over the temporary marker one more time, Ryo got slowly to his feet, suddenly realising how cold and stiff he felt. It would be warmer at McGinty's and he could get dry. He shouldn't have sat out here in the rain for so long. 'If Dee were here he'd be so mad at me, sitting around like I'm waiting to catch a chill.'

If Dee were here, Ryo reminded himself, he wouldn't have had any reason to sit by a grave in the rain, but Dee wasn't here, or anywhere else, not really; not even at the bar, however much Ryo might wish he was. Dee had believed in ghosts, but Ryo never had. When someone died, that was it, they were gone forever; they didn't come back as spirits to flit unseen around those they loved. He wished they did, just so he might still sometimes feel Dee's presence, but even now he couldn't bring himself to believe; it simply wasn't in his nature.

With one last look back at Dee's grave, Ryo turned and trudged wearily along behind his friends. He had a wake to get back to. Dee deserved the best send-off his fiends and family could give him.

.

TBC in Chapter 6


End file.
